“it was about 2 years ago to this day that i sat alone in bar near my house and felt pretty miserable about the world and wondered what it’d take to get me out of the rut i had found myself in for the past year.

figuring that sort of thing out in a bar is usually not advised, certainly my mother’s voice could be heard in my head as i sat there telling me that only dead people hang out in the beer gardens.

it was about my 3rd drink in that i felt a wave crash over me, a pin prick of panic that i needed to go. i texted some friends of mine to come get me. no reply.

moments later i remember glancing sideways, a man caught the corner of my eye from across the relatively empty room. he was staring at me, i was now staring at him. i did not know this man, yet he seemed very much able to hold a continuous gaze on me. i smiled nervously. he then said calmly and with little expression “in 2 months you’ll be dead.”

i smiled again, turned my head to the mirror just behind the bar and looked at my face as to perform as much of a reality check as i could in the moment. i looked back at him and said back, “did you just say ‘in 2 months i’ll be dead.” the man looked back to the tv, shook his head and walked out.

i was left stunned. the next day at work the statement still left me reeling as i repeated the story to the unbelief of my co workers. i returned home to my roommates, just catching the last five minutes of the tv show ‘lost’ that night. the final statement of the show was one man looking at another man saying ‘no matter what i try to do charlie, you’re gonna die.’ i smiled and proceeded to retell the story of the previous night to a also stunned audience. one roommate asked, “did you see this whole episode?”, “no, why” i inquired. “well the episode is all about this man in a bar who is told his fate and that he must now choose.” i smiled, only now my smile had a furrowed brow.

the next night was to be the final beloved meeting before we stopped being a small group and become an open church. i was telling my week to tara moments before we all sat down in a circle of candles with ryan’s first words being ‘you will die…’ the contents of the service dealt with the death of one time, giving birth to new time.

obviously by now my attention was fully gained. i spent the next 2 months as i was pacing back in forth in my mind and literally in room over how to break the code the universe or god or the devil planted in my brain. it was exhausting. i quit my job and felt if something were to be birthed it needed all my energy. i finally came to place that i felt it would alright if i passed from this earth if that was the plan, but if it wasn’t then i was ready for something better. something more than resigning myself to the rut, taking on the identity of a self destructive guy and leaving room for something more potent and exhilarating than self pity.

when the 2 month mark finally had come i waited with some friends that night for something miraculous to grace me or deadly to fall on me. neither happened. but i think i learned a new word for death after that time and that was change.”

by c.p.